At seventeen my relationship with my dad was challenged. Not the loving father I seemed to require. I let that need for attention turn into attraction to men. To be held, hugged, loved by a man I was thinking gay at thirteen. At fifteen I had accepted that fact. At sixteen my uncle was asking questions. Finally at seventeen I told him I was gay.
Past and present collide with my Uncle suggesting he could provide me the answers I was looking for. This was happening now. Not sure why at this point in my life I give in to go gay with this guy of all people. After weeks of conversation flirting with the idea I finally give in to making out, which was way too hot. A week of him saying more please.
We try other gay things. He makes it so intense. An expert in pleasure he was the adult in the room. Claims to have never done with a boy other than my father before. This, is all he thinks about now. He lifts my legs into position and I admit out loud I want him to. Just go slow please, make love to me...
An hour later. Well what do you think? he moans, Your first time is over. Do you still want to be gay?
I was freaking out slightly, never having done that before body parts were throbbing and I was still out of breath. My mind was racing after doing something I had thought about for years. Until the last month was totally off limits and out of the question.
I suggested we wait thirty minutes and then do it again just to make sure. I hear it does not hurt as much the second time. My dad always says try everything twice.
Your father was doing this with me twenty years ago when we were just boys. You remind of him back then. That's part of the problem, why I find you so hot. This time he wants to be the girlfriend, and me to do that to him. I am all in. Our love triangle my father's look alike seems to haunt us both.
This is what happens when you put people on a pedestal. You look for that in those you love or are attracted to. I have always been gay. I have always been attracted to older. My dad was not a person to give hugs or show affection. He would rather buy you something to mark the occasion with a note that says I love you son.
I hug him all the time. He soaks them in, with little response returned. I feel him cringe slightly and yet hanging on to the moment. My uncle would says now that my dad is older and would love to do gay things. He just can't handle anyone knowing he does that stuff like that.
I will have to go to therapy to find out my true intentions. I share this information with my dad's little brother. He goes wacko and starts planning some crazy crap. I am afraid my need to be gay has made a mess of things. I am seventeen years old almost eighteen , with a license and use of a car and I now do gay stuff. Very well according to my uncle. I liked the idea of older, experienced, familiar, safe. That is why my uncle was able to drag me out of the closet pushing my buttons and pulling my strings.
I call up Richard and friend from school who I occasionally flirt with and he flirts back. Sort of for a straight guy.
Me - I saw on Facebook you became available once again. She is not as good as you thought? what?
Rich - Exactly. Too much drama for mediocre. I need better. Which you am I talking to?
Me - I don't get it what do you mean.
Rich - Are you the straight best friend Tony I watch football games with, or the Tony that talks about doing gay stuff when were alone.
Me - As of today one in the same except this me coming out. Admitting I am gay 24 - 7. I am saying I can do better, just give me a chance. I have the whole house to myself you should come over.
Rich - I know where you live but text me the address. About thirty minutes I got take a shower I just cut the grass outside.
Me - Bro guys guys like stench. I will lick your stench off and we can shower together.
Rich - Five minutes I am freaking bro.
My father was shocked to come home and find us naked and having sex. He texted that he was going out to dinner and would be home late. That was how I came out to my dad. Then extended conversations about trust, honesty, and love would get my father to finally admit he did gay stuff. Twenty four hours after that tells me he has a boyfriend.
The chain of events that led us to this moment with my Uncle and that I knew about the boyfriend. That was a shock. Time to process and fix things. My dad's answer was fairly simple.
When I was young I did things for fun. Then I grew up I did things for love as I was supposed to. It was hard and took work. After that was over I looked for both. This was private and all mine. You were too young, you needed to grow up before you found out.
I will admit what happened between my Uncle and I was for the wrong reasons. It was for a few right reasons too. I liked the idea of older, experienced, familiar, safe, a teacher. I would use that experience to land myself a hunk of a jock looking for better. I was the experienced, safe, teacher for him, and he fell in love because of it. Came out out of the closet and picked me of all people.
I went through some crazy weird trip to get here. As much as I question the choices I and others made to get to this point. Here and now with Rich is all I care about.
Here & Now - Story Time Blog
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